She Moves in Her Own Way
Someone told me that I was too sensitive, intense, or that I have an attitude. Others were concern that I was incapable to juggle all the work, family, or whatever that I have been fighting for. They are afraid that they thought I couldn’t make it, yet I contradict it.
I choose all of this craziness, topsy-turvy kind of feeling, but I don’t take a detour. I’m trying to be responsible for the roads I have taken.
I am too sensitive because I was heartbroken for the things went crumbled when you have believed in something. I am too vulnerable because it is hard to let go of the sugary picture-framed memories or the strawberry ice cream sort of mood on the people I have lost. I am enraged at the things treated unfairly. I am very opinionated because I care. I’m not proud of all the weaknesses and crazy mood swings that have might affect others. I can be a little bit too intense because the action takes is walking side by side with my intuition. Or else, I can be too insensitive to other people’s feelings when I was just trying to protect my feelings. But one thing that I am sure about is I know that I always make efforts to change for the better. I have a lifetime to improve myself and make it up to the people that I’ve been mistreated for.
The attitude that I can give you is to stand up for myself, I stand up for what’s right and for what I believe in. Because when I believe in something, it is worth fighting for. Even though I am far from perfect, there are so many things that I have to learn. I have to learn to understand and be sensitive to other people’s feelings. I have to learn to be reserved and listen. I have to learn to make peace with the things in life which came unexpectedly. I have to learn to let go of the things or people who didn’t choose to stay. And it’s okay. It’s okay to be vulnerable, take care, and have time for yourself.
Yet, on the other side, the premature ventricular contractions spoke that I deserve so much more.
I deserve to be appreciated and be treated nicely. I deserve to put myself first as a priority, and there’s nothing wrong with it as long as you’re considerate about others. I deserve to take care of my feelings and trying to protect them. I deserve to be me without being judged too often. I deserve to speak and stand up for myself. I am too precious and extraordinary. Thus, I’m worth fighting for.
As a friend has said,
“relationships should be easy for whatever that is”.
I think this time, I have to agree to disagree. When things are easy, it won’t be matter. We don’t struggle, we don’t try to communicate about how we feel. Though it is indeed, when we care about something/someone, it should be easier to understand or to be understood. Therefore, everything should have balance, yin, and yang, black and white altogether.
People make mistakes, people give criticism, people live with traumas. Aren’t we all trying to forgive? Aren’t we all trying to move on and grasp from our past life experiences? All we can do is just trying to heal the scars, treat our wounds, so they won’t consume most of our lives.
I have gained 6 kilos and I’m feeling good. My love for food is undeniable. I am a doubled-chin, chubby-cheeks girl that you know. I don’t care if I have a body shaped like plus-size models, I am not Kendall Jenner. I don’t want to be like one. I just want to be me. I am beautiful for who I am. I want to raise my voice for the things that matter. I want to be able to speak up and make new mistakes so I can learn. Foremost importantly, I want to make a difference. It would be thought-provoking if we can listen and try to understand each other’s feelings.
Despite all of the spoken words, I am proud of myself. I am not afraid anymore to show my true color. This is my journey, and I love every single little thing about it, the crackled, the long venture dreaming to the unknown.
